A Little History

It's been a long time since I posted on my previous blog. I felt the need to show a happy face all the time and at some point, just gave up. Short of calling a psychiatrist I need a place I can vent and this is going to be it. I have to re-invent my life, just like Detroit needs to re-invent the automobile, just like D.C. needs to re-invent our government.

In December of last year I moved out of my house of 11 years and into an apartment. I had been struggling with the decision for over a year. It was an old house and had lots of repairs which only got more expensive as time went on. My quick fixes were no longer doing the job and each time it was one major repair after another. I finally had to face the fact that not only could I not afford the new roof I needed, I couldn't even figure out what the damn plumbing problem was! I'd come home and everything would be backed up, sinks, toilets, tubs, showers, everything. The last time we just went to a hotel for the night. The electric bill was never under $350 and was completely erratic. Had to replace the line to the house - that was another $1500. For someone who was budget-challenged to begin with and dealing with a host of job issues (who isn't these days), this was like a never-ending disaster movie. I began to feel like, who was the character in the Peanut cartoon that had the cloud hanging over his head? Linus?? To say I felt completely out of control would be an understatement.

Add to the mix two 7yo kids both struggling with adoption issues. DD#1 has terrible separation anxiety and DD#2 is ready to move to NYC and live on her own! DD#2 was adopted about 3 years ago when she was 4.5yo, which is frightening enough (for both parent and child!), but coming to the realization that I was still struggling with bonding issues with her was just another failure on my part. I needed to be able to concentrate on my girls and my mind was just in constant panic mode.

My mother lives with us and dealing with the health issues of an aging parent magnified the conflict in my head and heart...watching my girls grow up a little bit each day, but also witnessing my mother become frailer and more dependent on me at the same time. Life goes on .... it doesn't stop to let you get your shit together.

No matter how hard I tried, how much I worked, how much I prayed, nothing seemed to go right. Around each corner was another obstacle, which of course, is called LIFE, but when your reserves are spent, when you have reached the bottom of your well, every minor obstacle is a mountain.

Funny thing though, during the campaign that lasted FOREVER, much discussion was made of President OBama's book called "The Audacity of Hope." That's when I realized that's what I was lacking...I had no hope. It was like hitting the nail on the head. H-O-P-E. I had no hope, whatsoever. None. Nadda. Zilch. Living without hope just sucks. It completely paralyzes you. It affected my kids, my job, my physical and mental health, my relationships with siblings and friends, etc. I believe this was as close to a breakdown as I have ever gotten. It's April and I've only begun to really understand how pervasive my depression was and still is, but also what the return of hope feels like...just a glimmer, but I feel hope rising up now and then and I gotta say, it feels pretty good.